I Never Believed This Was Possible – But Now I Do

I heard about this new service from Plinky.com that helps when you have writers block.  Although, I do have things to write about I thought I’d give it a whirl.  They give you a question and you answer.  My question is in the title of the post…

Conflicted

And, never did I think I’d open up and blog about this because I want my blog to be upbeat but maybe my story will help someone else….I never believed in taking anti-anxiety medication…here were my preconceived notions about the topic…only crazy people take these meds, I can handle it on my own, they’ll make me sick and feel funny, people will judge me, other mother’s won’t let their kids come over…I could go on but won’t.

Although it took some time to convince me, taking the medication has really improved my life. Quite a while ago I started having these ‘episodes’ where I would be dizzy, unfocused, unable to remember simple things like spelling an easy word, overwhelmed…and just needed to sit down. For months, I attributed it to not drinking enough water and being anemic. Then on Christmas day a sudden and tragic death occurred in our family. Thoughts of losing someone had always lingered in my mind but I became excessively afraid of losing someone else – I call it ‘scared of death’ not ‘scared to death’. In addition to my Wellbutrin prescribed for post-partum depression following the birth of my sons (this has also improve my IBD), my doctor thought it would be best to prescribe a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. Honestly, anyone who knows me would probably say I should have had it before because I am a born worrier.

I continued to have the spells not making a connection with my anxiety issue. I would really push the fluids and eat something with protein and high iron content. At times it would work but many times I was left needing to take a nap. Which is hard to do with 3 very active little boys. I had my check up this week and mentioned what was happening. He asked how much of the med I was truly taking. I admitted only 1/2 a pill and only when I thought I needed it. Not on a regular basis.

Some background info…When first diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease/Ulcerative colitis – 15 yrs. ago the meds were shoved done my throat to treat the disease and side affects from the disease or necessary meds. There were times when they had me taking 35 pills a day plus suppositories. I DO NOT like taking medication, especially meds that you being reliant on.

Anyway, my doctor proceeded to explain that he had prescribed the lowest amount possible and I was only taking 1/2 of that. Basically I wasn’t getting much. So he increased it to one whole pill, three times a day. Urgh!

At the appointment, I was in the middle of an episode and he saw first hand what was happening. I can’t remember the term and probably wouldn’t be able to pronunciate it even if I tried. It’s a type of anxiety that makes your body physically unable to function and is many times associated with grief. Finally, a break through and some answers! Yay!

By the end of the appointment I was shaky and was having the ‘scared of death’ thoughts racing through my head. I immediately took 1/2 of a pill like normal – I hadn’t taken any in um, well, uh, 3 maybe 4 days. Ok, fine! I was on day 5 without the med! I drove for about 25 min. and didn’t feel much better. Reluctantly, I took the other half of the pill. I had to stop for fuel and then had about another 20 min. to drive.

I truly NEVER would have believed how I felt once I made it home. The shaking was gone, I was more focused, having happy thoughts and could make a decision about what I needed to do next. Now I need to convince myself that it’s ok to be on medication and that I’m not a crazy person. It is what it is. I obviously need the med. Like it or not, I am who I am.

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